If You See Her, Say Hello

Oh Comely

2008-01-10T15:07:38Z

It's been a long long while since I've posted so I thought I'd post this song because I really love it.
It's a little inappropriate, I suppose, but if you haven't heard it before, you should download it IMMEDIATELY (Oh Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel).
It really is eight minutes of beauty.
*
Oh comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath
Chasing the only meaningful memory you thought you had left
With some pretty bright and bubbly terrible scene
That was doing her thing on your chest
But oh comely
It isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess
In your memory you're drunk on your automy
It doesn't mean anything at all
Oh comely
All of your friends are all letting you blow
Bristling and ugly
Bursting with fruits falling out from the holes
Of some pretty bright and bubbly friend
You could need to say comforting things in your ear
But oh comely
There isn't such one friend that you could find here
Standing next to me
He's only my enemy
I'll crush him with everything I own
Say what you want to say
Hang for your hollow ways
Moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles aimed for me

Your father made fetuses
With flesh licking ladies
While you and your mother
Were asleep in the trailer park
Thunderous sparks from the dark of the stadiums
The music and medicine you needed for comforting
So make all your fat fleshy fingers to moving
And pluck all your silly strings
And bend all your notes for me
Soft silly music is meaningful magical
The movements were beautiful
All in your ovaries
All of them milking with green fleshy flowers
While powerful pistons were sugary sweet machines
Smelling of semen all under the garden
Was all you were needing when you still believed in me
Say what your want to say
Hang for your hollow ways
Moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles aimed for me

And I know they buried her body with others
Her sister and mother and 500 families
And will she remember me 50 years later
I wished I could save her in some sort of time machine
Know all your enemies
We know who our enemies are

Goldaline my dear
We will fold and freeze together
Far away from here
There is sun and spring and green forever
But now we move to feel
For ourselves inside some stranger's stomach
Place your body here
Let your skin begin to blend itself with mine
*

sunny boy, you're killing me.

2007-10-10T01:36:35Z

ah, life is just not the best right now.

i miss him. (hint: reggae)
i miss him more. (hint: cynical bastard)
...a lot more, jesus. it sucks so much. this is so ridiculous, i need to grow the fuck up.

anyhow, still trying to figure out who my friends are, and still looking for new ones.
at least i have my miya.

but GAH I can't take this.
fucking beautiful disaster, that sunny boy is killing me slowly, but most definitely surely.
a little piece of me dies every day from that, and its been over a year.
ill be dead by the end of the school year unless someone saves me...

Walk on back.
Walk on back.
She said don't turn me on again.
I'd probably just go and get myself all gone again.

grace.

2007-06-20T05:03:05Z

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

city traffic puzzle.

2007-06-14T01:57:55Z

Escape into the eerie night
In the dark I'm out of sight
Shadows on the alley wall
Are dancing like a lovers brawl

North south east and west
Foreign land is right and left
Don't let them see you cry
I didn't know which way was home
Ten degrees without a coat
Don't let them see you cry

I don't want to love you if love leaves me this cold
I don't want to love you if love is this alone

Silence couldn't stop the sound
The news and gossip got around
A whisper here whisper there
I do but don't know why I care

Eyes hang from the sockets of our faces
You said no and I don't think I can take it
This cars caving in
Rains on in the city traffic puzzle
Shifting pieces just like my stomach
Were both so upset
Love sick and were sick of it
Were both on the same page
Don't feel the same way

dear M,

2007-06-06T00:49:17Z

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
if only time flew like a dove
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

holding onto patience, wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
if only time flew like a dove
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

and we've got time on our hands
and we've got, got nothing but time on our hands
got nothing but, got nothing but
got nothing but time on our hands

this time we're not giving up
oh, let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
"hallelujah"
"hallelujah"

dear A,

2007-06-06T00:41:28Z

I can't wait to get away from you
And surprisingly you hate me too
We only communicate when we need to fight
But we are best friends...right?

You're too good at pretending you don't care
There's enough resentment in the air
Now you don't want me in the flat
When you’re home at night
But we're best friends right?

You’re Stephanie and I'm Paulette
You know what all my faces mean
And it's easy to smoke it up, forget
Everything that happened in between

Nicky’s right when he says I can't win
So I don't wanna tell you anything
I can't even think about
How you feel inside
But we are best friends, right?

I don't like the way you say my name
You're always looking for someone to blame

Now you want me to suffer just cause
You was born wide
But we are best friends right?

You’re Stephanie and I'm Paulette
You know what all my faces mean
And its easy to smoke it up, forget
Everything that happened in between

So I had love for you when I was 4
And there's no one I wanna smoke with more
Someday I'll buy the Rizla, so you get the dro
Cause we are best friends right, right, right, right?
Because we are best friends right?
Because we are best friends right?

i_cut_trees @ 2007-05-22T23:43:00

2007-05-23T06:43:59Z

wow, everything is just splendid.

grant my last request.

2007-04-21T20:08:02Z

Slow down, Lie down,
Remember it's just you and me.
Don't sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

[chorus:]
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,
But one last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

Oh, I've found, that I'm bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realise all about your lies
But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby let's get closer tonight

[chorus]

Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can, how can this be wrong?

[chorus x2]

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let's go there,
Lay down beside me

small figures in a vast expanse.

2007-04-18T04:44:11Z

let's try a new change
let's try a new change
let's try a new change
then we'll go on back to the old one
like we've done so many times before

and i'll buy a new brain
i'll buy a new brain
you'll administer new pain
then we'll go on back to our old school
that we left so many times before

and you'll ask for more
and more

i've just begun a new phase
i'm trying these days
i've watched you close
i'm versed in all your ways
i'm just beginning to realize
i'll get you one of these days

but in the end
if it was all pretend
isn't that what friends are for?
but this is real life
it's supposed to be real life
so let's pretend that we're not bored
that we exist and that we're resolved
to real things happening to me

book of days.

2007-04-13T01:07:18Z

tomorrow im leaving on a cruise to mexico with the choir from school.
im absolutely dreading it.

right before i left for rome i thought i was really finding myself and becoming comfortable with who i was. i was so close to being in the place that i truly want to be mentally, and then i went to rome, and came back, and no i feel so completely lost. there are so many things i want to do to change. and the thing is, im not changing for anyone but myself, so it is a good change, but im so behind. and then im leaving tomorrow, and all i really want to do is spend two full days alone doing the things i want to do, but there is no time. really, that is all i need. two days.

i also just read all of my best friend's livejournal entries from when i was gone till today.
i feel like we are growing apart, and it scares me.
i know it doesn't seem like it but i really truly want to be there for her, but i honestly don't know how.

i have lots and lots of thinking to do,
and i really need to spend time alone to do what i need to do,
but im at home right now and i have to do lots of laundry and pack for tomorrow.
i really really really really REALLY do not want to leave tomorrow. i keep on getting relocated to places im not comfortable in while im in the middle of this really weird time mentally for me and its affecting me more than i thought it would.

i want to be free.

2007-03-26T05:37:49Z

i want to live by these lyrics:
"Waltz (Better Than Fine)"

If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine

except for the few seconds when you look me in the eyes everyday.

2007-03-14T03:37:45Z

i hate bad days.
i hate being the third wheel.
i hate being jealous.
i hate being insecure.
i hate not seeing miya.
i hate going to the doctors.
i hate high school.
i hate my fucking slutbag idiot of an english teacher.
i hate the old drunken crackhead lady that thinks she can teach physical education.
i hate people who are "cuddly" with their "friends".
i hate being too full.
i hate missing him.
i hate that my boyfriend and one of my best friends are going to a concert together.
i hate that i will be in italy during it.
i hate that there is so much stuff to do for italy that its making me not want to go.
i hate not seeing or talking to my brother.
i hate things that get in your eye that you can't get out or see in your eye.
i hate that two of my best friends are mean to me when they are together.
i hate television show repeats.
i hate chemistry review sheets.
i hate not being able to write songs that are different.
i hate sounding "like hilary duff".
i hate waiting for him to call when i know he probably won't.
i hate waking up early.
i hate not having enough time in a day to do what i want to do.
i hate it when you are cracking your fingers and one finger won't crack.
i hate myspace.
i hate everything that happened today.

all we need is a little bit of momentum.

2007-03-13T02:19:36Z

You are the dark ocean bottom
And I am the fast sinking anchor
Should I fall for you
You are the scar on my tissue
That I show all of my new friends
Should I show you me

All we need is a little bit of momentum
Breakdown these walls that weve built around ourselves
All we need is a little bit of inertia
Breakdown and tell breakdown and tell

That you are the rain on the fire
Deep in the trees when no one was looking
Should I speak of this
You are a mirage in the distance
That defies the heat of the desert
Should I believe in you

These rules are made to break and these walls are built to fall
These rules are made to break us all

----
im so in love with him.

if only we lived in a world of magic.

2007-03-08T05:42:56Z

this song is directed at two people that i love so so so much.
im helpless, i know that, i need to accept that, but i want so much to be there for you and make everything better.
i know i can't.
i know i can't.
i know i can't.
if only we lived in a world of magic.

Loneliest Girl In The World - Cary Brothers
You are the loneliest girl in the world
Taking your hits as
they come
You are the loneliest girl in the world
And
tonight you’d fall for anyone

It’s in the way you
fall down to bed
It’s in the way you cry when he’s not
looking

You are the loneliest girl in the world
I’ll watch you die a thousand times again
You are the
loneliest girl in the world
And I just want to make it go
away
And I just want to make it go away

im only a woman.

2007-03-05T04:56:19Z

im so happy.
i can't even express it.

im falling falling falling for my baby,
and he loves me.

pull my hair.

2007-03-05T02:10:04Z

hfdlkfjdsaklfjsalk he drives me crazy, in a good way.
i just spent three hours with him.
he is so amazing.

how did i find someone like this?
why would anyone like him ever want me?

my insecurities still make me think that he will be done with me soon, especially after today for some reason.
he told me he loved me, but now he never says it.
idk, i want something serious with him, im willing to put myself out there, but im so scared.
im scared he isn't gonna want me tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that.

FJDSAKFSALJFDKSFJDS, someone tell me to shut the fuck up and take it for what it is.

turn your lights down low

2007-02-26T00:19:47Z

damn, life is good good good.

i have such great friends.

im on a fucking cloud, everything is amazing.

im still sick though, but i don't even care.

my baby is sick too =[
poor boy.

miya is coming over in a bit so we can shoot some pictures.
i love photography.

this past weekend was fucking crazy,
but i think everything is going to be fine with the whole my dad's house thing.

tomorrow is going too be fucking amazing, i know it.

i bet you'll be fine.

2007-02-21T04:10:25Z

everytime i don't see you at school i worry you might be upset or something is going on that you're not telling me about.

i call you a lot because im worried and i want to know you're alive even though i know you aren't suicidal anymore.

i believe you.

you probably think im overprotective or an overreactor or just plain annoying,
but i realized today how much i cared because of how much i worry about you.

i love u.
i really do.
i dont know what i would do if something happened to you.

there's no recollection of the evil things i've done,

2007-02-20T01:49:57Z

I FEEL LIKE I MUST'VE HAD SOME FUN.
(that was the second half of the title)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
this weekend was so amazing.
i can't get over it.

i hope the coming weekend is fun, too.
and i hope people come to my dad's house instead of being little pussies and saying its too far.
they don't know what could be in store for them haha.

i want it to be tomorrow already so he can tell me what he feels sober.
im so impacient.

and wednesday is MY BIRTHDAY WOOOOOOOOOOO!

and then thursday, and then FRIDAY!
friday i am going out to dinner with miya, kate, nat, allie, and sarah for my birthday.
then who knows what.

but saturday we should most definately go to my dad's house.

anyway, my throat hurts like a bitch and i think i need to go drink a lot of tea with a lot of honey in it.
the end.

kodak moments.

2007-02-07T05:10:03Z

there were three pictures that stuck out at me on miya's livejournal.

first this one:

i think this picture is so beautiful.
her eyes and the intensity in them are amazing.
i really enjoy this picture and i would love to take more like them.
its almost like i feel what she is feeling, to the point where if i was in a bad mood and i looked at that i might start crying.
its weird that photography can have that much of an affect on someone.

the second one:

this picture makes me want to be this girl.
i love her hat, and the background is gorgeous.
this picture comes off to me as despiration or even a girl trying to find herself.
she seems so lost and you can't even see her face.
i think her clothing also gives off the idea that she may be lost and trying to find out who she is.
i think thats why i like it so much.

the last, my favorite:

this may seem really strange but i want everyone to know before i say this that i am not a lesbian, a pervert, nor a freak.
okay, i think this picture is beautiful.
once again, this will sound weird but i think it is so beautiful how she is almost exposed but not quite.
like a way of being free, she seems so free.
my favorite pictures are the ones where they use the maximum exposure on a person, without exposing the parts that aren't acceptable to expose.
sorry if that was confusing.
(side note: miya that is why i like the toilet picture idea)
also i realized that the model has to be completely comfortable with the photographer for these pictures to be good because the photographer doesn't care what they see, they just want to take beautiful pictures.

yeah i think thats it with the photos.

my head feels like i must've had some fun.

2007-02-07T03:55:19Z

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh for weekends to come.

parties parties parties:
-girls with daquiris
-invite people over for jello shots
-marijuana and sublime
-mojitooooooooooooos
-wine picnics

so many things will just be splendid.
plus, i feel like i have to prove i can party instead of always being the party kill (allie's house i fell asleep, josh's house oh god)

damn, life is actually pretty good right now solely because im always happier when i have things like this to look forward to.
some may say im a druggie or an alcoholic, but really im just a teenager who wants to have a good time.
things have been stressful, and i need some party weekends to take some of this stress away.

fjdklsa;fjdsklafjd;asfjdlksfjdsla;fkdasfj more woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooots.

oh and every sunday for the next two months:
Wake up in the morning
clock says half past one
I have no sunglasses as I step into the sun

There's no recollection
of the evil things I've done
my head feels like I must have had some fun

what happened?

Last thing I remember
I was chillin' at a party
pinchin' girlie's asses
I was drinking recklessly

I know I did something
Lord what could it be?
woke up in the morning
and all my friends hate me

what happened?

oh yeah, play it for them wonder

What am I doing here?
who is this girl in my bed?
what is this shit on my face?
my god, what is that awful smell?

She may be an angel
she may be a queen
she might be
black, white, american, indian or japanese

what happened?

Threw a bottle at the bouncer
didn't think that he was cool

pissed in someones drink
and threw a bike into a pool

drivin' down the side walk
like a drunkin' possesed fool
I broke every single traffic rule

oh, what happened?

what happened?

Let's go!!!

nude as the news.

2007-02-06T06:21:06Z

so my mother hates my photography, and my new song.

thinks are okay with my dad, he leaves tomorrow (free house for two months)

im going to rome in 52 days, fuck yes.
...but im told im going to perform there, im so scared.
my insecurities get in the way of my music all the time,
if i could buy confidence i would buy it for any price in a second.

i got some pictures developed today:
some are good
some are out of frame
some are fucking amazing
some aren't as good as i thought they would be.

i don't think im cut out to be a photographer...
and i guess its just a trend anyway
but i've fallen in love with it.

mary-kate and ashley olsen are my idols.
i want to be them.
i love the way they dress, the way they do their hair and make up, their everything.
i am the opposite of them, and i have red hair and i have freckles everywhere.
this sucks, i hate myself.

i need to start working out again except at a gym now.
i am also going to start taking swing dancing classes wooooooh!

so much to do so much to do, i wish i didn't have school so i could do it all.

my birthday is in sixteen days.

we go back a long way, you and me.

2007-02-05T07:09:02Z

i miss my brother so much.
he makes me so happy.
i just want him here.

but its okay, because we're together in this crazy world.

2007-02-05T06:53:22Z

i love her:

hello, i need you.

2007-02-03T01:20:44Z

Do you have any idea
Who I am
While I smoke this cigarette
My head is hidden in my hand
Do you have any idea
Who you are too

Did I not make myself clear
I pushed you away
& though I tried to write my life on this page
you are still here
Perhaps I never understood
Your initial touching

But I’m so
I’m so sorry
Did I catch you on a bad day?
& I’m so
I’m so sorry
There is something that I must say
Hello, I need you

Did I speak out of turn
Somehow upset you
Did I not show my concern with how you felt
I’ve moved on without you
Did you believe that I’d forget the things that sometimes made me smile

But I’m so
I’m so sorry
Did I catch you on a bad day?
& I’m so
I’m so sorry
There is something that I must say
Hello, I need you
Hello, I need you

You know I’m trying to take a step
Into my future
Though I want to hold your hand & make you mine again
You had to keep your distance from me
Do you have any idea
How much this hurts

that song is amazing.
somehow is explains my relationship between two people.
miya and my father.

the relationship with my father is indescribable, and no one can understand why i dislike him so much, they think i am mean. ofcourse i love him, but i would pay to not have any emotional connection with him. thats all i want. he hurts me so much.
last night i cried for hours listening to this song. i was sobbing on the phone to him, and i asked him if he liked this? if he liked hearing me cry every single fucking time i talk to him. he said no. then why does he still do it, over and over and over again? i can't do it anymore, its tearing me apart, i just don't show it.
oh yeah, and i just found out that he told me mom that all she does is sit around the house in the dark and get heavier.
i understand my mom is a little overweight, but she used to be fucking gorgeous, and still is even though not as much.
he married her, he had two children with her, he loved her, how could he fucking say that?
it upsets me so much. my mother is the most amazing person in the world. fucking jackass.

speaking of that, how could he say that if he loved me thing, this song reminds me of miya.
i know its hard for her, the whole thing, i know she wants to be strong, but i wish she could understand that she can tell me.
she can tell me anything. im somewhat envious of toni for seeing the miya without her tough exterior up. i want so much for miya to do that with me, and not because i want to see her hurting, i would never want that, but because i love her so much and i want her to trust me with everything, because a love between friends is so much stronger than the love between a guy and a girl. i trust you miya, i trust you. its okay if you don't want to trust me yet, but i hope someday you do, because i love you so much and you are my best friend and that will never ever ever change.

everyone has a tough exterior, a wall that is so hard to tear down, but it is the most amazing thing to find the one person you can be whoever you are with, the person that gets to see behind that wall.